I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
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The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
dictator is short for richard potato
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Passed by a old school Math example today.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese