I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
welp
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku