I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.