I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
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4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
It’s a gift
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”