I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
A little too much information.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂