I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
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Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My purse is deeper than some people.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Schrödinger’s cookie
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”