I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
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Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
I put the mess in domestic.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.