I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
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When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on