@Kim_pulsive

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

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@Prero22

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

@poutinesmoothie

I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

@a_simpl_man

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

@bluntphilip

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

@Jdydrcy

6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?

@daemonic3

WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries

@JKNenagh

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night

@TrueTorontoGirl

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

@mlinhart

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.