I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

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[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?


I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.


We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.


Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.


6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?


WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic

THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart

ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries


My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night


Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.


Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.