I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
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Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*