I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Women do things I can鈥檛 even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
How badly am I doing? I鈥檓 considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Jeff: I鈥檓 from New Jersey
Geoff: I鈥檓 from New Georsey
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren鈥檛 impressed
I hate everything
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 馃檪
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Mouse
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me