I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
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Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
You can’t rush stupid.
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese