I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
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hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die