I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
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If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
j o i m p
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.