I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
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I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.