I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
You Might Also Like
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Me too, bag. Me too….
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu