I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
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[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
White Castle for the Win
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
welp
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.