I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
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just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
wow
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.