I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
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I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Breaking news:
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti