I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?