I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Oh thanks BBC.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
That’s amazing.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.