I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.