I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
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[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*