I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?