I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
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Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.