I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
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I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
thanksgiving in nutshell
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY