i prefer mine room temperature.
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The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Mummies are just super modest zombies