I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
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Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
This makes total sense…
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet