I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
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ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Every photo I’m tagged in
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary: