I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.