I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
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Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.