I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
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Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.