@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.

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@doublewenis

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

@fantasesay

Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.

@LeahsLounge

1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave

@

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

@Cheeseboy22

The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.

@13spencer

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

@murrman5

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

@iAmJuddy

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

@carlyken

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*