I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
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Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
i smell a pulitzer
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”