I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
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This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
my retirement plan is braless
Boom, boom, ching!
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Big Sex has us all fooled
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.