I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
You Might Also Like
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
incredible text to wake up to
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.