I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
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HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
this post was so formative to me
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.