I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
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Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.