I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
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I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.