I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
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Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.