I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
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The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
This hospital has everything
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’