I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
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I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.