I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
The opposite of Iceland is water water
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”