I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
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DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?