“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
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(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.