I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
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The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
yes… yes…
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.