@reallifemommy3

I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

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@Breadery

I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.

@squirrel74wkgn

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

@PaulyPeligroso

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

@Laser_Cat

Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?

@_sinistroll

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

@occupied_stall

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

@PaperWash

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

@BuckyIsotope

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

@pleatedjeans

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]