@Breadery I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
@reallifemommy3 I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
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@Breadery 
@squirrel74wkgn 2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
@PaulyPeligroso A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
@awordforaword I think we should hear other voices.
@Laser_Cat Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
@_sinistroll ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
@occupied_stall I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
@PaperWash “ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
@BuckyIsotope If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
@pleatedjeans [first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]