I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
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So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.