I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads

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I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.


2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]


A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.


Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?


ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?


I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..



-captain of the Titanic


If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.


[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]