I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
You Might Also Like
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.