I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
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“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
me when the borders lift
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”