I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
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I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.