“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
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A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone鈥檚 bathroom for a few minutes
If you鈥檙e trying to lose weight but you鈥檙e starving, eat a banana. I鈥檝e had 73 of them today
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
ME: if you鈥檙e under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
This took me a few seconds.. 馃槄
[at a party]
Friend: let鈥檚 play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 馃槉
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?