I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
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I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
All generalizations are stupid.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.